i can't stop thinking
Oct. 8th, 2023 08:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ryuuceli'm only writing this because i feel like i have to talk. this often happens, when i'm around. i need to sing my opinions to anyone who'll listen.
i feel fine. like, just fine. i don't really know. this week has been full of ups and downs. i went to a play yesterday. it was very good. it was about feminine rage and feminine problems. there were five bettys. i think the play had a mostly nice ending, save for betty 2. it truly made me feel melancholic. betty 1 and betty 5 ended up happy, newly in love and experiencing something neither had before. betty 1 was angry, so angry, with how the world was, but she found joy and excitement with being with betty 5. betty 5 didn't want to settle down, didn't like sharing feelings, but for betty 1, it was possible. betty 3 and betty 4 were thrown into what life does best-change. betty 3 needed to be loved by all, needed to be seen by all, and in turn, betty 4 felt unheard and unseen by betty 3. they had a talk about it, and left together to go be with each other. which leaves betty 2. time and time again she was seen being so, so lonely. no one listened to her, no one heard her, no one saw her, she was alone. and you would think since everyone else's problems were solved, so would hers. but no. the play started with her alone and ended with her alone, except in a worse mental state than before. she was seen contemplating suicide. she ended up completely, utterly, alone, and that is what made me ache. why didn't she get a satisfying ending? what about her? i don't get it. it ended with her singing a song about what she does and doesn't know. it was truly mind blowing.
today i got groceries and went to the park with a friend. i felt young again, being at a playground. i immediately noticed how i was quite too large (both too tall and too wide) to properly fit into most of the equipment, but i had fun. i didn't really get to experience a childhood, so this was freeing. i got to be on the swings and the slides. i ended up having a conversation with a young child, who was playing on the equipment that was made for him and not me. he asked what grade i was in and then went around telling everyone that was the grade he was in. i got to lay in the grass and just forget everything that i needed to do. i am going to do that again. i felt at ease, which is not a luxury i get to feel very often.
on friday, i was picked up from class by my friend and his sister. we went downtown and didn't do a whole lot, but it was fun nonetheless. we went to a cat cafe and i got a cold brew and a kolache. we went to a pet store and got our cat a tag and a toy. we went to a stationary store and got some stickers. i enjoy going out with friends. doing things you don't have to do, spending money you shouldn't be spending, i enjoy it. i enjoy living life without thinking too hard. i've actually made myself feel quite a bit better about my financial problems. i know i am not going to have enough money to last the semester. i know i will run out before i can pay off rent. so there is no point in being stingy when i am already below that line. i had an interview recently, and it went well. i am hopefully going to have a job and it won't matter after that. if not, my mother said she was willing to help. i just can't bring myself to care anymore. i am not living life if i am living in constant worry. i need to put myself out there and enjoy life for what it has, flaws and all. i'm trying to live a little kinder, and love a little harder. it's difficult, but it is making everything more enjoyable.
i have an upcoming exam in a class i am not prepared for. i am trying my best to memorize the content to succeed but i have a poor memory. i can only give it all i have and it isn't worth worrying past that. i have an essay due this friday, which i'm mostly done with. i have a speech thursday that i'm not done with yet. after this week, school will mellow out again and i can relax a bit. i am thinking i will just leave the speech as is and accept the loss of points. i have a 98 right now. it should be fine..
i've been thinking a lot lately, or as much as i am able when not here. i am alive. i am living on earth. i am alive and so is everyone else. everyone has a life of their own, separate from mine, excluding me, and i have a life of my own. it is crazy to think about, and honestly a little frightening. it's hard to imagine what other people may be doing. i live everyday. i go outside and i live. i eat. i sleep. i go outside. i talk to others. i am alive. i have a family of my own. this is getting crazy. it's hard to imagine this. i want to talk and talk and talk, yet when i do that is when everyone seems to be busy. i want everyone to hear me. everyone needs to hear what i have to say.
i feel fine. like, just fine. i don't really know. this week has been full of ups and downs. i went to a play yesterday. it was very good. it was about feminine rage and feminine problems. there were five bettys. i think the play had a mostly nice ending, save for betty 2. it truly made me feel melancholic. betty 1 and betty 5 ended up happy, newly in love and experiencing something neither had before. betty 1 was angry, so angry, with how the world was, but she found joy and excitement with being with betty 5. betty 5 didn't want to settle down, didn't like sharing feelings, but for betty 1, it was possible. betty 3 and betty 4 were thrown into what life does best-change. betty 3 needed to be loved by all, needed to be seen by all, and in turn, betty 4 felt unheard and unseen by betty 3. they had a talk about it, and left together to go be with each other. which leaves betty 2. time and time again she was seen being so, so lonely. no one listened to her, no one heard her, no one saw her, she was alone. and you would think since everyone else's problems were solved, so would hers. but no. the play started with her alone and ended with her alone, except in a worse mental state than before. she was seen contemplating suicide. she ended up completely, utterly, alone, and that is what made me ache. why didn't she get a satisfying ending? what about her? i don't get it. it ended with her singing a song about what she does and doesn't know. it was truly mind blowing.
today i got groceries and went to the park with a friend. i felt young again, being at a playground. i immediately noticed how i was quite too large (both too tall and too wide) to properly fit into most of the equipment, but i had fun. i didn't really get to experience a childhood, so this was freeing. i got to be on the swings and the slides. i ended up having a conversation with a young child, who was playing on the equipment that was made for him and not me. he asked what grade i was in and then went around telling everyone that was the grade he was in. i got to lay in the grass and just forget everything that i needed to do. i am going to do that again. i felt at ease, which is not a luxury i get to feel very often.
on friday, i was picked up from class by my friend and his sister. we went downtown and didn't do a whole lot, but it was fun nonetheless. we went to a cat cafe and i got a cold brew and a kolache. we went to a pet store and got our cat a tag and a toy. we went to a stationary store and got some stickers. i enjoy going out with friends. doing things you don't have to do, spending money you shouldn't be spending, i enjoy it. i enjoy living life without thinking too hard. i've actually made myself feel quite a bit better about my financial problems. i know i am not going to have enough money to last the semester. i know i will run out before i can pay off rent. so there is no point in being stingy when i am already below that line. i had an interview recently, and it went well. i am hopefully going to have a job and it won't matter after that. if not, my mother said she was willing to help. i just can't bring myself to care anymore. i am not living life if i am living in constant worry. i need to put myself out there and enjoy life for what it has, flaws and all. i'm trying to live a little kinder, and love a little harder. it's difficult, but it is making everything more enjoyable.
i have an upcoming exam in a class i am not prepared for. i am trying my best to memorize the content to succeed but i have a poor memory. i can only give it all i have and it isn't worth worrying past that. i have an essay due this friday, which i'm mostly done with. i have a speech thursday that i'm not done with yet. after this week, school will mellow out again and i can relax a bit. i am thinking i will just leave the speech as is and accept the loss of points. i have a 98 right now. it should be fine..
i've been thinking a lot lately, or as much as i am able when not here. i am alive. i am living on earth. i am alive and so is everyone else. everyone has a life of their own, separate from mine, excluding me, and i have a life of my own. it is crazy to think about, and honestly a little frightening. it's hard to imagine what other people may be doing. i live everyday. i go outside and i live. i eat. i sleep. i go outside. i talk to others. i am alive. i have a family of my own. this is getting crazy. it's hard to imagine this. i want to talk and talk and talk, yet when i do that is when everyone seems to be busy. i want everyone to hear me. everyone needs to hear what i have to say.
